Know Your Stars
by Karra Venus Leo
Summary: Remember the Know Your Stars skit on All That? Well here's the same thing, except with the CATCF stars. R and R! NO FLAMES!
1. Charlie Bucket

**First up… Charlie Bucket!**

"Know your stars…" said the voice. "Charlie Bucket… is the meanest kid in school."

"What?" said Charlie. "I am not the meanest kid in school! I'm nice!"

"Charlie Bucket… Once threw Hilary Duff in a dumpster."

"I didn't throw Hilary Duff in a dumpster!" snapped Charlie. "I would never do that!"

Then suddenly, Hilary Duff and Joel Madden walk on stage covered in trash from head to toe.

"That's the skinny little shrimp that threw us in a dumpster!" screamed Hilary.

"Let's get him!" Joel yelled.

"Security!" the voice yelled. "Get these losers of the stage! I have a show to do!"

Two police men walked on stage and pulled Joel and Hilary away.

"Charlie Bucket… has a huge crush on Veruca Salt!"

"No I don't!" said Charlie blushing a little.

"Then why are you blushing?"

"I'm not!" said Charlie.

"Charlie Bucket… has an imaginary friend named Poopman."

"Okay!" Charlie got out of the chair. "First of all, I don't have an imaginary friend, and second, what kind of name is Poopman?"

"Charlie Bucket… wishes that Veruca was his girlfriend."

"You're lying, your lying, your lying!" Charlie yelled stomping his foot on the stage.

"Now you know Charlie Bucket."

"They don't know a thing about me!" Charlie yelled. "Come back here and tell them the truth!"

"Hey Poopman," said the voice, "Let's go get a milkshake…"

**I know that wasn't funny, but next up is Augustus Gloop and I need ideas! **


	2. Augustus Gloop

**No the first one wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Here's Augustus Gloop.**

After seeing Charlie storm off, Augustus walked in and sat down on the chair.

"Know your stars…" said the voice. "Augustus Gloop… hates chocolate."

"No." said Augustus. "I love chocolate. Willy Wonka makes the best chocolate."

"Augustus Gloop… has a crush on Charlie and Mike (**A/N:** Thank you Smegginitlarge!).

"No I don't." said Augustus. "I'm in love with the beautiful chocolate."

Suddenly, Mike and Charlie walked on the stage.

"You are just sick man!" said Mike.

"Well I love Hilary Duff!" said Charlie.

"Yeah! I like… uh… none of your business!" snapped Mike. (**A/N:** I know he was thinking about Violet!)

The boys walked off.

"Augustus Gloop… plays the electric triangle in a band called 'The Greasy Pigs'." (**A/N:** And again, thanks Smegginitlarge!)

"I don't play any instruments." said Augustus. "I don't even know if the Electric Triangle is an actual interment."

Suddenly, a band of fat people run on the stage screaming, "Yeah!"

"Augustus dude!" one of them shouted. "We brought you your triangle!"

He tapped it with a stick, and ended up electrocuted.

"Lets practice!" another guy yelled.

"Boys!" the voice yelled. "I would love to hear you guys play but I'm busy with your band mate. Maybe later, I'll listen to your music. Now get off the stage."

"Ok dudes." said another rocker.

The band left the stage.

"Augustus Gloop… has nightmares about Oompa Loompas." (**A/N:** Thank you Justamirrorforthesun!)

"I do not get nightmares about Oompa Loompas!" said Augustus. "I get nightmares about a world without chocolate."

"Augustus Gloop… still uses a potty instead of a toilet (**A/N:** And again; thanks Justamirrorforthesun!) and wears dippers."

"No!" said Augustus. "Whenever I have to use the bathroom, I use a toilet… and I wear underwear like every other child."

Suddenly a loud ripping sound came from the chair. Then suddenly the chair broke, all thanks to Gloop.

"Now you know Augustus Gloop." said the voice.

"It's all a lie!" Augustus shouted.

He ran off the stage.

"Somebody get me a new chair." said the voice.

**Next victim… Veruca Salt! Ideas please?**


	3. Veruca Salt

**Thank you for the awesome reviews!**

A new chair was put on the stage. Afterward, Ms. Salt walked in putting on makeup.

"Ok!" she said. "Tell them all about me!"

"Know your stars… Veruca Salt," said the voice. "At the dead of night she sneaks out of her mansion to meet up with her hobo boyfriend."

"I don't have a boyfriend!" said Veruca. "And even if I did have one, it wouldn't be a stinky flee bag!"

"Well, I brought over some obsessed fans." said the voice.

Suddenly, ten tattooed hobo's ran on stage. All of them were wearing shirts with Veruca's face on them.

"Veruca!" shouted one of them. "We love you!"

"We have you tattooed on us!" said another guys. He lifted up his shirt to show Veruca's face.

"I got one on my rear end!" shouted another. "Wanna see it?"

"NO!" said Veruca.

"Ok boys," said the voice, "Go before I call security."

"Bye Veruca!" They blew kisses at her.

"Veruca Salt… wears a countryside suit in her free time."

"I do not!" she snapped.

"Veruca Salt... is secretly and alien invader from planet Poop."

"I am a human!" said Veruca. "And there's no such planet!"

"Yeah there is," said the voice. "It's the tenth planet from the sun."

Veruca frowned.

"Veruca Salt… forces Mike, Charlie, Willy, Augustus, and Grandpa Joe to strip in her bedroom, and makes them dress up for tea partys."

"I do not!" screamed Veruca.

"Now you know Veruca Salt."

"Where's my daddy? Daddy! I want that voice now!"

Veruca jumped off the chair and ran off in anger.


	4. Violet Beauregarde

Violet walked on the stage and sat down.

"Know your stars," said the voice. "Violet Beauregarde… hates chewing gum."

"What! No I don't! This piece of gum I'm chewing right this second I worked on for three months. How dare you!" said Violet.

"Violet Beauregarde… regularly dresses up like a grizzly bear."

"No I don't!" said Violet. "I never even dressed as one for Halloween."

"Violet Beauregarde… she's really Augustus Gloop's secret admirer."

"She is?" yelled Augustus excitedly. "Come here Sugar!"

He ran over to Violet and tried to kiss her.

"Gloop! Off my stage now!"

Behind the curtain sat Mike growling.

"Violet Beauregarde… her pretend dream is to be in the Olympics, but her real dream is to open and underground gay bar!"

"What! That's gross! I never thought of it!"

"Now you know Violet Beauregarde."

Violet stormed off.

**Next victim, Mike! Ideas? This is not as good as the past three chapters.**


	5. Mike Teavee

When Violet went backstage, Mike planned to cheer her up, but he was called up. Mike sat down in the chair.

"Know your stars," said the voice. "Mike Teavee… loves chocolate and candy."

"No I don't!" said Mike. "Candy is a waste of time!"

"Mike Teavee… is the president of the 'My Little Pony' fan club."

"What! No way! That's for sissy little girls!" said Mike.

"Mike Teavee… has the world's biggest Barbie collection."

"NO! I HATE BARBIE!" Mike yelled.

"Calm down Mike," said the voice. "Mike Teavee… writes romance novels in his free time."

"I don't write romance novels," said Mike. "I don't even write at all, except songs for my band."

"Mike Teavee… wears a fluffy pink bra under his shirt."

"No I don't!" said Mike.

"Mike Teavee… is an illegal immigrant from Japan."

"I never even been to Japan." said Mike.

"Mike Teavee… loves to hug people."

"That's it!" yelled Mike. "I only hug my parents and my little sister and my friends!"

"Now you know Mike Teavee."

Mike stormed off. His face was red with anger.

Next victim (and last one too)… Willy Wonka.


	6. Willy Wonka

**Now the moment you all been waiting for… give it up, for the amazing chocolate maker, Willy Wonka!**

"Know your stars…" said the voice. "Willy Wonka… Loves chewing gum."

"Do you know what happens when you chew gum all day? It's really disgusting, and you shouldn't mumble." said Willy.

"Willy Wonka… fantasizes about Captain Jack Sparrow."

"Very funny," said Willy. "Now tell them the truth about me."

"Willy Wonka… after a show, he pulls off his clothes, jumps up and down yelling 'stripy time!'"

"I never did such a thing. It's very, very wrong, and I taught the kids that it's immature."

"Willy Wonka… dresses up like a Fairy Princess whenever he visits his father."

"Now if I did that, I'd give him a heart attack." said Willy.

"Willy Wonka… goes crazy with a stapler if someone says the word 'helium'."

"I never go crazy unless if it's from those don-gong cocoa beans!" said Wonka, not getting angry.

"Willy Wonka… he worships the great pharaoh of Egypt, Atem."

"I have never been the Egypt before," said Willy. "But that would be neat!"

"Willy Wonka… his hair is fake."

"My hair is not fake! It's real! And I even use Hair Cream on it. It locks in moisture."

"Willy Wonka… had plastic surgery four times."

"Do you even know what plastic surgery does to you? Oh you don't wanna know."

"Willy Wonka… his role model is Michael Jackson and he wishes that they were married."

"To tell you the truth, I don't know who Michael Jackson is!" Wonka shrugged.

"Willy Wonka… skinny dips in the chocolate river."

"Now where would you get an idea like that?" Wonka streaked.

"Charlie told me that!" said the voice.

"CHARLIE!" Wonka yelled losing his temper. "Where is that boy?"

"At the factory," said the voice. "With Veruca, Mike, and Violet."

"What are they doing?"

"There swimming, in the chocolate river… surfing… and 'chocolate skiing'."

"What kind of swimming?"

"Well, Mike is holding Violet by the soldiers and walking around and throwing her in, and Charlie is surfing with Veruca on top of him… and their smiling."

"What about Augustus?"

"He's at band practice. He plays the electric triangle in 'The Greasy Pigs'."

"I'm going to have a talk with the four…" said Willy Wonka walking away.

"That's all of them." said the voice. "Kick it!"

The curtain opened and 'The Greasy Pigs' started playing.

Augustus tapped his triangle and got zapped several times.

At the end, the voice started clapping.

**The End**


End file.
